Exclusive Interview With Santa Claus

Over the past two months I have been writing a Christmas story. It is about Santa Claus and the remarkable sequence of events that befell a young girl living on the edge of the rainforest in Palawan, a tropical island where I live.
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Of course, for such an apparently far fetched story, it was important to check out the facts. That was easy to do here in Palawan, but how could I interview somebody quite so famous as Santa Claus, who lived far away in a land where I would freeze to death as soon as I got off the airplane?

Well, it turned out to be more easy than I thought, and we met, believe it or not, close to a big firework display in Southern England on November 5th 2005. How I got there and how he got there, I am not allowed to say. In fact, I cannot say, simply because I do not know for sure. I can only speculate. My passport shows I was here; my wife tells me I was here; I tell myself I was here. But I was there, and this is what I can report from the notes I took at the interview. There was much more, but I am sworn to secrecy, and Santa Claus has such amazing powers, I would not go against his wishes.

These are the 3 questions, and answers, I am allowed to reveal.

Q1 There is much speculation amongst historians about your origins. Can you tell us, to put this straight once and for all?

(Roars of laughter from Santa) “The last people you should ask are historians. They can only look backwards. What a dumb life they lead; they can never find the truth like that. Life is multi dimensional; time is multi dimensional. What do historians and scientists know about all that? The truth is like a sun with all it’s planets rotating round. If you just look backwards, you miss the whole spectrum, and you miss the sun itself.

“What are my origins? My good man, you’re just a simple soul, like everyone else on the planet, so I know you mean ‘when and where do I come from’. I do have a birthday; in fact, I have many birthdays, and they are all true. But for your narrow little world, I was born in 701 AD."

“But,” I said, “all the historians…….” his glare told me to be quiet about historians. That seemed like a good idea, given that they got it all totally wrong.

Santa was a tolerant and gentle man despite his massive powers. “And, young man” ( I had not been called that for a long time) he said. “You will not believe where I was born. It was not the North Pole, though I go there often. It was not Lapland, where I do now live. It was Central Africa."

I was dumbfounded; he just laughed at me. I moved on quickly.

Q2 I have to ask, Santa, how do you get around the whole world like that, every Christmas, delivering gifts to so many millions of children? In less than 2 days. It’s just not..”

Before I could finish, he had put his hand firmly on my arm to stop me.

“Of course it’s possible. You think it’s not possible because your “scientists” say so, not because of the truth. Only the truth matters. And it is possible, because I do it every year. You say “not possible” because of the way you all look at things; narrow and blinkered. Even my blinkered reindeer know more than your silly scientists; so forget it’s not possible. I do it, and young man”, (I was really beginning to like this guy), he went on, “I just love every moment of it.”

“But……?” I was about to ask, but he stopped me again with a firm hand.

“Ok,” he said gently. “Let me just tell you about something. In the 8th century I was exploring brainwaves; your scientists don’t have an inkling yet about the brain, how it works, the brainwaves and what they mean and how you can use them. I was able to discover great things, things all the scientists have been too narrow minded in the past to seek out, understand and utilize.”

I was in his spell, listening intently to every word. He was about to reveal….

“Have you heard of Quantum Chimney Descent Theory? No, of course not. By 820 AD I had it all worked out; a year later I had discovered Time Corridors. You know time corridors? No, of course not, but I tell you young man, that was what did it, that was what enabled me to deliver gifts at Christmas all over the world.

“I then developed the Time Corridor Interweaving Theory. For the next 30 years I started to put them both into practice, and then bring them together. That my dear friend is how I get around the whole world like that and deliver gifts: by exploiting the Quantum Chimney Descent Theory in unison with Time Corridor Interweaving.

“Do you understand now?” he asked.

Well, who was I to argue, I might sound like a historian or scientist? So, that was it, I had the answers to the greatest Santa Claus question of all. I did not have a clue what he was talking about, but I am sure he anticipated that.

We went on to the final question as the firework display reached its climax.

Q3 What happens to all the mince pies and glasses of sherry that millions of children leave out for you?

Santa roared with laughter again, “oh, all the things people leave out for me; they are so sweet those children. “But you know, their parents should tell them the truth; they should not deceive. It is their parents who drink the sherry and other alcoholic drinks. It’s just their excuse. I don’t drink the stuff, never did.

“But the mince pies, yes I do love a good mince pie. The children are so considerate leaving them for me, and I eat as many as I can in Australia. But over a million? I have to tell you, those mince pies get spread around all sorts of places. The creatures of the oceans and the forests are very much experts on mince pies now. But the year before last.....”

Santa saw my expression change.

“Aaah, we can’t say what happened that year, can we? It’s in your story. We mustn't spoil your story."
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A moment later I awoke in my bed many thousands of miles away near the Sulu Sea. My wife was next to me; and funnily enough, I was next to her. When I went to my computer room a while later, I found my notebook. And what you have read above is what was written in it.